4 Limiting Beliefs Disguised As Great Relationships Advice

(This post is the fourth installment in the Legally Bold series on limiting beliefs and how they rob us of achieving fulfillment in essential areas of our lives. You can find the other posts in the series here.)

So this is the point in my series on limiting beliefs where we talk about relationships. And I just the thought of this discussion makes my eyes roll.????

Not because the topic isn’t necessary. It’s because most relationship talk out there is full of cliches and ways that women must change themselves to “get a man.”  

The sum and substance of this advice tend to be: 

→  dress up, 

→  wear heels all the time, 

→  don’t have sex too soon, 

→  don’t mention marriage, and 

→  → don’t be stupid because all men are dogs. 

Oh, and make sure you have a great job and can cook gourmet meals while you’re at it. ???? ???? 

This “advice” is usually quite sexist and cheapens the importance of all relationships — both romantic and non-romantic — in our lives. 

Relationships encourage and support our soul’s evolution, our reason for being on the planet in the first place. They help us “see” ourselves and to know and be known fully by another human being. 

So boiling it down to cooking and wearing heels trivializes that whole process. (And makes me very, very annoyed, quite frankly).

To help debunk some of the limiting beliefs that are disguised as relationship advice, here are 4 commonly held beliefs to look out for.

 Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man

This belief is actually the title of a 2009 book by Steve Harvey. While I think Mr. Harvey was well-meaning when he wrote this book, it is full of tropes that seek to reinforce the idea that:

•  men are simple, women are complicated;
• men are providers who want sex and loyalty, not cuddling; 
• and it’s up to women to have standards for a relationship because men won’t do it unless they have too. 

My problem with the beliefs espoused by this phrase, and this book, is that it reinforces the limiting idea that women, as they think and act, are not enough. They are not aware enough or smart enough to cultivate meaningful relationships with men without being played. So we need a male guru to rescue us and tell us “the truth.” 

Further, this book lumps all men into one group that all think, feel, and act the same way. It leaves no room for men or women to actually express their full humanity, which isn’t defined by gender roles. 

Instead of thinking like someone other than who you are as a woman. Or adhering to the idea that women only need to be provided for and not emotionally protected as a man. The best way forward in cultivating a relationship is by accepting and trusting yourself fully. Once you do that, you’ll be able to find connections that work for you without archaic rules. 

If You Can’t Handle Me At My Worst, You Don’t Deserve Me At My Best

This often-heard phrase makes it seem like relationships are some weird quid pro quo transaction where someone acts terribly to test whether their partner is up to the task of handling their “worst.” Tests and games limit what is possible for authentic connection in any relationship. 

And you don’t need to manufacture hard times. Life brings those no matter who you are. 

Instead of testing whether a friend or romantic partner is worthy of your best, try having faith in yourself and the people you choose to bring into your life. You can do this by reframing this limiting belief to something like, “you [friend, partner] can handle my worst and deserve my best.” This thought is much more inspiring for all parties involved. 

I Don’t Want To Waste My Time

Relationships and experiences are meant to teach us something about ourselves, our environment, and the world around us. That requires vulnerability and showing up fully even if you’ve been hurt in the past. So if you end up dating someone who isn’t right for you, you didn’t waste your time. You learned whatever that relationship was meant to teach you. And if you have to learn the lesson twice, so be it. Mastering anything in life takes time, and we could all stand to give ourselves a little grace when it comes to dating. If you approach each relationship as an experience meant to teach you something, you’ll be kinder to yourself and a lot happier no matter the outcome. 

There Is A Perfect Person Out There Just For Me

Relationships help us truly see ourselves and other people. But the process of getting there isn’t perfect, and neither is the person with whom you are sharing that relationship space. 

There will be challenges, arguments, and some hurt feelings. You’ll even feel bored sometimes. All of this is normal and part of the ebb and flow of any relationship. (Just look at the relationship with your parents or siblings.) 

Ultimately, your happiness depends on you, not your partner. So don’t look for the perfect person. Seek happiness within yourself first. Then appreciate the people who choose to go along for life’s ride with you.

What limiting beliefs have stopped you from appreciating the experience of the relationships in your life? Now that you know more about them, what might you do differently next time? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below.