How To Stop Getting In Your Own Way

Have you ever heard the monkey trap story? There are many versions, but the gist of it goes like this:

To trap a monkey, hunters put a banana at the bottom of a glass jar. The jar’s opening is only slightly bigger than the monkey’s hand. So when the monkey sees the canister, he can reach inside and grab the treat easily. But when the monkey tries to pull his hand out, he can’t. With the banana in the monkey’s grasp, the jar’s opening is too small to allow his fist to pass through.

At this point, the monkey has two choices – drop the treat and take his hand out or hold on and remain trapped. In the end, the monkey gives up his freedom to keep holding the banana. Now the hunters can swoop in and catch their prey.

The implications of the monkey trap story are clear. Although a monkey’s brain can’t recognize it, humans understand that holding on to things that no longer serve us is detrimental to our future. To attain what we truly desire, we have to be willing to let go of our past attachments for something greater. 

In the abstract, letting go of things that no longer serve us seem simple. You want to lose some weight, give up the cake. You want to meet the love of your life, stop being a homebody and get out there. 

But in practice, we get in our own way by remaining attached to stories and ideas that feed our egos. We hold on to past mistakes, and let the fear of repeating those mishaps stop us from trying again.  We cling to the stories that we are right and that other people are deserving of our anger and resentment. We become attached to material things at the expense of our own well-being.

If we genuinely want to find happiness, we must learn to let go of egoic attachments and get out of our own way. So here are some tips to help you to do just that.

Cultivate Self Awareness

Even if you are committed to losing weight, it’s hard to say no to a second helping of mac-and-cheese when you’ve been working 10 hours at a job you hate. Eating your cheesy carb dinner is probably the only time you’ve felt joy all day. 

But the truth of this example is that you’re really not craving mac-and-cheese at all. What you really want is a sense of career satisfaction and belonging.  The pasta is just a cheap stand-in.  

Self-awareness is consciously understanding one’s characters, feelings, motives, and desires.  It means that you can look past your seemingly physical cravings to identify the real emotions behind your stated temporary desires.  Although clearly seeing yourself requires a lot of attention, focus, and practice, cultivating self-awareness is one of the best things you can do to get out of our own way going forward.  

Let People In

Humans are social beings. Not only do we need one another to survive physically, we need one another to help us see ourselves. Those closest to us have no problem seeing exactly who we are and telling us the unvarnished truth.  We need those people to hold up a mirror so that we can see our reflections as clearly as they do.  

That’s why it’s important to allow people to get to know you beyond the surface level.  We need people to help us strengthen our self-awareness and to shine a light on the true desires of our hearts. 

Stop All or Nothing Thinking

Perfectionism can make you believe that if your goal isn’t fulfilled in one particular manner, it isn’t achievable. But that’s far from the truth. One question that always helps me when I am stuck is, “what else is possible?” There are many ways for us to achieve a goal, and giving up because one avenue isn’t working is a surefire way to stop you from doing anything.  Remember that it’s never just either or because the possibilities are endless.

Jump In

Before I left my job to start my business, I went to a conference in Portland. At that conference, one of the speakers on stage repeated that old cliche, “jump and a net shall appear.” At the time, I thought the speaker was nuts.  You shouldn’t just jump into anything. There must be plans, timelines, milestones, etc., or you just shouldn’t do it. What I realize now is that all of those plans were really just a way for me to soothe my anxiety about the unknown.  

When you are taking on a new challenge, business, or relationship, there is no way to predict what’s going to happen next.  It truly is the great unknown. So if you spend all your time planning for what might happen, you’ll convince yourself not to do it at all.  So now I also say, “jump, and a net shall appear.” You are that net. You can trust yourself not to let yourself down, and you deserve to go after what you want. So go ahead, jump.

Take Breaks

In our highly productive culture, you can often feel guilty for taking time off to rest.  But the lack of rest and sleep in our society has killed more dreams than Simon Cowell’s buzzer on America’s Got Talent. With rest, you are clearer, more affable, and better able to handle things that come your way. So release the guilt and rest. Your dreams will thank you for it.

Do you have any tips for getting out of your own way? I’d love to hear about them or your experiences with getting in your own way in the comments below.