“When you pay attention to what feeds your energy, you move in the direction of the life for which you were intended.” – Oprah
The Legally Bold blog is all about living your best #worklife whether that work is for yourself or someone else. For the most part, I stay focused on that intention here. But this week, when I sat down to write, all that kept coming through were things about the life part of work-life balance. More specifically, I kept having thoughts about dating, entrepreneurship, and marriage.
Because I know that many women have similar concerns, I thought I’d share those thoughts here.
I Don’t Want To Be Single, And I Just Threw Up In My Mouth A Little
In the interest of vulnerability and my desire to evolve past my default nature which is to tell everyone to “stay out of grown folks’ business” (especially when that doesn’t make sense because you didn’t ask me about my business in the first place), I’m 38, single, and childless. I want to be 38 and married with at least one child.
Did you throw up in your mouth a little when you read that? I did when I wrote it.
Those words cut me deep in all of the I’m too blessed to be stressed, black girls rock, the future is female, and Beyoncé says girls run the world, ways. Just typing those sentences makes me feel like a sucka, like a cliché, and another single black woman statistic. Those words also make me feel guilty and ungrateful for all of the wonderful things that are currently in my life. But there it is.
Entrepreneurship, Partnership, And My Soul
I am only able to type those words because of all the work that I’ve done as an entrepreneur. That work has made me realize that marriage and family aren’t just important to me because we all have a desire for kinship and belonging. It’s critical for me in a way that speaks my soul’s evolution.
Dr. Phil says that there are only 7 critical choices that have the power to change your life, positively or negatively. These choices set you on a path and are major factors in determining who you will become. Deciding to quit my job and start a business was one of those choices for me.
For the first time in my career, I finally understood and felt what it was like to move within my purpose. Before then, I conceptually got what passion and purpose meant, but I always felt like something was missing. It still felt like there was an unlived life out there waiting for me. When I started my business, I started walking down that unlived path.
It’s Called A Leap Because You Fall
I know all this sounds great, and it is. But what people often forget to tell you is that following “the path made clear” as Oprah would say is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. They call it a leap because you will definitely fall, hard.
To claim your new life and set your feet down this new path, you have to burn away everything else. That will feel like you’ve leaped from the frying pan into the fire.
People will leave. You’ll get sick. Your financial safety net will turn into something that can maybe help you catch the goldfish in a fish tank if you angle it the right way. Every fear you ever had, and didn’t know you had, will be tested. It will suck in the short term, and bring you more joy and contentment than you’ve ever imagined in the long run.
Back To Dating, Marriage, And Family
All of this brings me back to marriage and family. I get now that my desire for partnership and children is about taking that next leap in my personal life. Through family, I can create a soft place and safe space to land when that life smacks me in the face. I can also be that safe space for someone else; knowing that feeds my soul.
As I am dating and finding my way there, two things are enormously frustrating about the process.
Frustration # 1: Time
I’m 38, and I’m just figuring all of this out. I feel cheated. Can I go back to 28 and start over? My biological clock keeps right on ticking, and I wish there were a way to hit the pause button without spending 10K to harvest and freeze my eggs.
Frustration # 2: Dating Advice for the 35 + Crowd Isn’t Helpful
The messaging around dating when you’re 35 + seems to begin with the premise that something is wrong with you. Clearly, you have some mental block, physical block, or weird tick that has kept you from finding a partner. You must remove all of these blocks now, or you’ll be along forever.
I call bullsh*t. Of course, I have mental blocks. We all do. From what I can tell clearing blocks is like a life-long game of whack-a-mole. You clear one and something else pops up.
Addressing those issues is essential, but I reject the notion that I have to get to some mental block nirvana to attract a soul partner. That just doesn’t make sense.
You and I both know a few people who could run for mayor of mindset block land yet they are still in fulfilling romantic partnerships. Are they less deserving because of their blocks? Did they get there because they have a bigger booty or prettier smile? I don’t think so. Partnership and the ability to create a family in spite of your flaws is the very definition of grace to me.
My Point (Because I Swear I Have One)
Although it’s difficult for me to admit it out loud, marriage and family are as important to my soul’s evolution as my entrepreneurial goals. I’m not really sure how to find a partner who will facilitate that growth (and vice versa), but I’m setting that intention even as my biological clock ticks away.
I am 100% sure though that I do not have to be perfect to get there, and I can’t reduce my dating life to productivity hacks and tricks. I’ll just keep paying attention to what feeds my energy and move in that direction.
I know you must have thoughts, comments, advice. Let’s start this conversation. Let me know what you think about entrepreneurship, dating, and marriage in the comments below.
