How To Overcome Set Backs

For most of my life, things just sort of worked out.  This doesn’t mean that it was easy or that I didn’t face disappointments or have to overcome setbacks.  It just means that what I set out to do, I usually accomplished.

I wanted to go to a top law school on the east coast, done. I wanted to pass the bar in two states the first time.  I did it. I wanted to get a “real legal job” and feel like a lawyer. Somehow I worked that out too.

So when I left my job to start a solo practice, I thought things would eventually work out in pretty much the same way. In the beginning, it did.  I worked hard, and more often than not I was successful.

Until I got sick.  

At first, I thought it was physiological. I couldn’t sleep. I gained 20 pounds in 9 months. It was difficult for me to concentrate or to feel good. My blood pressure swings ranged from too high to dangerously low. My body was going through so much that doctors recommended entirely different treatment plans depending on the day that I saw them.

I soon learned that my mind was attacking my body and my spirit. I was suffering from major depression which facilitated the first major setback of my life.

My depression wasn’t the online entrepreneur version of a setback. You know the one where you don’t have clients for the first month of your business but somehow turn that into a million-dollar business in 6 months.  This setback was real, scary, and had major implications on my livelihood.

Suddenly, I disappeared from life and my business. I disappointed clients. I failed to follow up with networking partners and referral sources.  I stop being the reliable person that I knew myself to be. I stopped giving my all because there was nothing left to give.

The more I tried to return to the old person I knew, the harder it became for me to get out of bed, concentrate, and breathe. Depression turned my life upside down, and I wasn’t really sure how to fix it.

The overall period of my illness (when I add in the time that I was depressed and didn’t know and the time that I knew I was depressed and tried to keep going on at my usual hyper-speed anyway) was about 18 months.

That’s a long time and way longer than I expected.  

When I started treatment, I even asked my therapist, “how long does this depression stuff last?” All the while secretly hoping that there was a 6-to-8-week depression elimination plan. (Newsflash – There isn’t one.)

Now that I’m on the other side of major depression, I recognized that some things made it easier for me to recover than others. So here’s what I learned about overcoming my setback.

Tell Someone

As my symptoms and confusion progressed, I confided in a trusted friend about how I was feeling.  She recognized the signs of a problem before I did and supported me in getting help even when I was reluctant to do so.  After some time, I realized that I really never told anyone the truth of how I was feeling. Often it was because I didn’t have the words, but it was also because I didn’t want to be vulnerable in front of others.

Connection is a vital part of the human experience.  To connect you must be authentic and let people see who you are.  So now I force myself to tell my close friends and family exactly how I am feeling even when I’d rather not talk about it. I’ve learned that holding on to those feelings only leads to more stress and internal conflict.  Your friends and family can provide perspective and move you from your personal sunken place faster.

Watch For Signs

With hindsight, people always say that there were signs of a problem coming long before it arose. We often miss those small signs because we are so busy in our daily lives.

If you want to avoid a major calamity and the setbacks that come with it, make time to watch for signs and patterns in your life. For me, the sign is watching series reruns of shows with strong female leads over and over again.  Shows like Grey’s Anatomy and Gilmore Girls were on repeat when I was depressed. I would forego sleep to watch them even though I had seen every episode.

This type of TV binging is now a sign for me that I need to slow down and recalibrate. I now know that I am using those shows to escape my life, and I need to question why.

Take a Break 

At first, the idea of taking some time off from my business to address my health seemed ridiculous.  How would I survive, pay bills, live indoors? But when my therapist told me that time off would jumpstart my healing, I took it more seriously.  Could I take time and not end up homeless?

Yes. I can, and I did. You can too.  

How do you do it? It’s not as hard as you think.  You will have to leave your comfort zone a bit by asking for help, eliminating expenses, and using your savings, credit, or a loan to do it. But it’s possible. You’ll be the better for it. If you know you need a break, take it.  

Forgive yourself

If you are used to being dependable, disappointing people can feel shameful.  You end up sneaking around as you avoid the people you’ve disappointed.

Instead of wallowing in shame, try forgiving yourself, especially if you are dealing with a mental illness. You did not intentionally cause the disappointment.  There were forces beyond your control at play, and your mind was doing what it needed to protect itself. The sooner you forgive yourself, the sooner you can apologize to the people you disappointed or hurt.  Once you’ve done that, let it go. Holding on to unnecessary baggage won’t help your healing going forward either.

Love yourself 

Because self-love changes everything.

Have you had a setback in your life?  How did you recover? Let me know your tips in the comments below.